my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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