He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
