just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
