At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
