The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
