it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
