I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Randomize
