sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize