Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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