Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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