My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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