like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
