i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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