well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
