I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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