Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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