I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
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just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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