My liver just broke up with me...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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