I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
