I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
