I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
