The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
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i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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