Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
