Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
