Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
