is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
