you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
