If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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