Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You left your phone here
Wait...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
