I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
