Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
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Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
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i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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