At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Who did Billy Mays play for?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
