How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
