she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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