my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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