Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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