Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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