How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
