Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
