Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
