your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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