I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
