I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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