He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
