You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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