we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
