I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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