Who wears a wallet chain?!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
