I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Soap is not a condiment
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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