I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Randomize
