chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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