GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
