That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
