Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
