So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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